The right to become sterile

Earlier this week, Jessy and myself quietly celebrated the fifth anniversary of the day we made things “Facebook official” between us. I beat my face into a smokey dark grey/black and gold double winged look (paired with a nude lip and the biggest natural looking lashes I own), we enjoyed a meal and visited Mexico briefly in the CR-X, and ended our night at the Welland canal bridge which was lit up in red and white. Jessy noticed his ex walking home from the bar with her man, their baby and a dog, and I mentioned how horrible it would be to have to walk everywhere with a baby because you don’t drive. Later on—like every other time following sex—I found myself worrying about the same old thing; “I hope the condom worked like it should have.” Lots of people look forward to having children, and doing everything they can to raise them the best they know how. But watching them walk by knowing I could easily end up just like her because of a tiny slip up in the bedroom makes my stomach turn.

When I was nineteen, I finally gave into the pressure to use oral contraceptives to control my horrible period cramps and heavy flow, which were pretty steady since thirteen. After about three months of heightened nausea, I was a totally different woman. I could go without using any painkillers. My period was only five days long, requiring only regular tampons. Emotionally I seemed a little less stable, but nothing serious. Usually I’d just end up feeling embarrassed because I’d cry too easily. I didn’t feel sick throughout the month, and I never needed time off work or school because I was in so much pain. It took five years for me to recall why I didn’t want to take them in the first place.

Doctors are often pill pushers. I don’t remember my first gynecologist ever mentioning anything about migraines when he handed me a sample pack and wrote me up for a prescription of tri-cyclen lo. I think I went a couple years before experiencing any myself. It’s difficult to pinpoint as it wasn’t a concern at first. My mother told me she used to get them around my age, and in general they seem common enough, right? Maybe it was just my hormones and nothing to be concerned of. I never saw a doctor about them. I learned my symptoms and also learned that taking an advil during the aura before the head pain would prevent it pretty well, but not after. So now I wasn’t vomiting and in crippling pain because of my period, it was now from occasional migraines.

I experienced my most severe migraine while at work one day, a couple months before I really started noticing that something was going wrong with my body. My head always seemed sore following that episode. In the next few months, very localized pain was occurring in my left pelvic region, where you’d expect an ovary to be if you’ve got any knowledge of anatomy. I began seeking medical help because of the pelvic pain, but the migraines still didn’t really concern me. This moment in my life became quite stressful for a handful of reasons, and about seven months after the bad migraine, I wound up in emergency late one evening suffering with chest pain. It look me longer than it should have to see anyone experiencing a symptom like mine, in my opinion. A brief overview was taken from me by someone at a computer, and I sat in the waiting room with everyone else. The pain had stopped but I still felt strange. The head pain began shortly after sitting down, and was incredibly sudden and severe. I recall clutching closely into Jessy as it worsened, eventually letting out a quick cry of agony that startled everyone around me. Speech became near impossible, though clear thought persisted. Walking was very difficult. Shit was getting serious.

By the time I was in a bed awaiting the only doctor on duty, I was able to speak again to a point where comprehension was had, but I was forgetting things mid-sentence and I struggled with some words and expressing myself clearly. It probably looked like I was short-circuiting. The twitching that began was severe and affected me all over. I felt bad for Jessy. He had to see me in a condition I had never even seen myself in, and neither of us knew what was going on, only that I had been sick for a few months and had no clues toward an answer. And now we’re in the emergency room.

The doctor was rude and ageist. He condemned Jessy for suggesting that maybe I suffered a stroke. “Why you think she have stroke? Why you think healthy 24-year-old have stroke?” he said with a heavy accent. This was after I explained that I had been seeking diagnosis concerning new health issues for several months, and after he exclaimed “No no pill wouldn’t do this” when he asked what medication I used. He believed I had a seizure, gave me a pill and I didn’t get to leave for another nine hours. Besides the initial EKG and blood work, nothing was done. An old stranger that shared some waiting room space wished us luck passing by my bed. We left the hospital early the next morning, still requiring Jessy’s hand to walk. I didn’t know who I’d be when I woke up.

It was a sick day for work. My whole left side was weak and sore, the right side of my head achy. Twitching remained shoulders up and still interfered with speech. I felt different. It took five days for the twitching to stop completely, and when it did it was sudden, like my body just snapped out of it. It has taken me a while to fully notice what else I’m recovering from, such as mild speech slurring and memory loss. I’m better at talking now but there’s a lot of little things and old memories missing inside my head. I suffered a similar but less intense episode a few days after the hospital visit while trying to exercise, and although I was saved from convulsing (I was alone so unsure of speech problems), the weakness in the left side of my body was a little worse. This time I remained at home.

It took another ER visit to get me to stop taking the pill, about a month after the first episode. A doctor finally told me that I shouldn’t be taking the pill if I suffer with migraines that come with an aura, especially if they develop after starting the medication. They also told me that any age can suffer a stroke, and that the doctor in my hometown ER should have been more concerned. I haven’t had a migraine or another terrifying moment in the ER since I dumped the pill, but my periods are as bad as they used to be (sans vomiting, at least).

Experimenting with hormone treatment again wasn’t something I went right back into. There were a few recommendations (the mini pill, nuvaring, IUD), but hormones still scared me. Nuvaring turned out to be a disaster and I only had it a week. By the time insurance covered mirena, I was spotting every month and the abdominal pain was still a problem. My new gynecologist suggested mirena, said it would help my periods. She also asked me about my marital status and living situation. The sentence “You should have kids and have them soon” spilled from her mouth when she found out I’m nearing thirty. She also asked why I didn’t have any now and what my plans were. Now I know how controversial and debated it is for a woman in my shoes to ask about becoming sterilized. It’s the main reason why I haven’t brought it up to a doctor yet… plus anxiety is kind of preventing me from putting myself out there like that. I mentioned my interest and preference of adoption if we wanted children, but that’s it. I said we both want to work on our careers and maybe have a home of our own first. The baby pushing persisted. I probably came off irritated. You know those people you think you’ve figured out right off the hop? Definitely would need to bring Jessy in on that discussion.

I underwent laparoscopy surgery this past April because of the spotting and pain. I wouldn’t bother with mirena until that was figured out. Just doesn’t seem like a good idea to be shoving a hormone implant into an area that’s already not acting normal, you know? Keep in mind that I also apparently contracted HPV from what was likely the lapse in judgment I had while in college and my first oldschool gynecologist failed to bring that up to me when it was detected. I had a colposcopy performed because he thought I might have cancer, but he never told me I had an STI. Like many other tests, I was told nothing was visible with laparoscopy. If any biopsies were done, I don’t know about it. It seemed like they inserted a tube, had a peek, and then sutured me up and sent me on my way. Spotting, pain and discomfort continued after healing and so did her push for me to get mirena installed. So I picked it up from the pharmacy and biked to the appointment in the pouring rain one day after work. With little effort, she said she couldn’t get it past my cervix and that I would need to shove some pills up there to dilate myself and come back in the morning, which I couldn’t do. It was a sign for me not to follow through in my opinion. Nobody I’ve talked to about an IUD has had anything great to say about it. But what other options are there for us? We’re forced into hormone treatment like its no big deal because it’s so easy, reliable and common, or we’re stuck with condoms, even in monogamous relationships. Abortion hasn’t been a part of my history (thanks to being careful and lucky), but I never want it to come to that even though I’d do what I felt was best, regardless of my age. But what’s wrong with adopting? Knowing if you’ll want kids when you’re 14-years-old might not be something everyone knows, but I always felt pretty strongly about adopting, even though having kids has never crossed my mind as something I’d like to do. And people always tell me I’ll change my mind when the topic comes up. “You’re still young, you have lots of time to change your mind.” I’ve also had a lot of time to make up my mind.

Jessy and I aren’t where we want to be. We both have jobs just for the sake of income. He’s lucky to have gotten something that pays well. We have our dreams but they seem a little farfetched right now—a little too risky in today’s world. House hunting is on Jessy’s mind, but it’s quite discouraging when you’re trying to start out and get something that will last when the market is skyrocketing. There’s a new General Electric plant coming to our city, which used to be industry-haven back in the black and white. Construction companies are getting contracts to build massive complexes and attached homes that sell for $400,000 and more in an area that has NOTHING, and they sell out before they are even built. Bidding wars occur on homes that are falling over that sell for 30% or more on top of asking price, just to start. And it’s happened so quickly. It’s no fun for newbies. And what about the news? How the fuck can you ignore everything that’s been going on?! From school shootings to war and racism and intolerance. Scandals and cover-ups. Scary advances in technology. The massive extinction of species and the undeniable climate changes. The wrath of our own planet just cocked and loaded while we’re too busy bickering about things that don’t even matter. People are lied to constantly and fed inappropriate and heartbreaking messages through media and random strangers. They get raped and robbed and shot aimlessly in the streets. When you’re five years and older you NEED cell phones or tablets in your hands AT ALL TIMES!!! Everything around us is concocted and fake and everyone wants a piece of it. But it’s not all bad, right? Of course there’s some good in it. You make your own story. You know who you are and what you like and what you want in your life, and you strive to make it all happen. You make moments you’ll never forget with people you meet that you end up caring deeply for (this is still a struggle for me… hermit). You find your calling, whatever it might be. You learn to stay sane and filter the nonsense. And if you’re lucky, you’ll have lived a full and healthy life doing exactly what you wanted to do.

Feeling comfortable being an adult is a pretty recent discovery. I’ve only lived with Jessy for about three years, and never on my own. Of course things aren’t absolutely perfect, but we’re a pretty good thing. He puts up with me just the way I am and I tolerate the apartment’s spare room looking like a bomb went off. We can hang out like friends and share time doing things we both like. I have NEVER told Jessy to sell his project car, and I genuinely don’t want him to. It’s safe to say I get laid and condoms are annoying… especially with multiple genital piercings. After reading a bit of this, you might see a little into why kids don’t seem like a good idea to me. Every reason sure seems like a pretty good reason, huh? I don’t feel that the state of our planet is debatable, and I can’t imagine how I would turn out if I grew up now. Throw in my undiagnosed MS-like symptoms and the fact that Jessy had bladder cancer a couple of years ago and this “perfectly healthy” couple needs to have some kids soon!

An appointment to see my doctor is coming up and I’ll probably request to see a new gynecologist that’s open about sterilizing a young woman without children, instead of bothering with the one I currently see now. I’m pretty nervous about it. Fingers crossed about an answer to my ongoing female problems, too.

There’s still a lot to see and do, and I can’t see myself wanting to factor in a child or two… or three… A couple of dogs, maybe. And Jessy, who shouldn’t need to be mentioned. Being able to go out and enjoy a meal and a night together isn’t something I try to take for granted. It’s definitely a privilege of our situation and it likely helps our relationship a lot. Emotionally I feel pretty darn complete since he’s been around. Getting out in the CR-X whenever we feel like it without needing to make serious plans to drop off a kid is a luxury, as is anything we get to do on our own or together. Raising kids means being aware of what’s good for them. Figuring out what they need to grow and thrive. Protecting them from some harsh realities of the world, yet exposing them to enough to build character. What’s healthy for them to experience? Can you support them fully; emotionally and financially? What do you really want in life? What do you think is right?

Being selfish is fine. Know your limits and your personal qualities. Family history knowledge is a bonus. Is health a concern? Be aware of the news and media but don’t get sucked in. Love deeply and sincerely. And don’t let any person tell you what’s right for you.

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