New year, same anxiety

It’s that time of year again where we all look back and reflect on how life went this past rotation around the sun, and many of us will come to the conclusion that some things need to change.

When I was younger, new year’s resolutions seemed silly. Nobody ever seems to stick by them, and I knew I’d be no different. Failure feels bad, and others will make you feel worse about not sticking with that gym program or quitting smoking anytime it comes up in conversation, so sitting around and not trying anything new or challenging to avoid feeling that way may appear the easier and much less traumatic route. But is it? How will you know what you enjoy if you sit still? And how will you ever become the best version of yourself if you aren’t truly happy now?

For the last six years or so, I started to put a mental note in my head about things that need work in my life near the new year. While it could be argued that it is indeed a resolution of some sort, that’s not how I try to view changes I already deem necessary for a more enjoyable life. It’s merely a reminder to stay on track. I don’t tell others about my planned tweaks, and I try not to be too hard on myself if progress is a bit slow. As long as I’m still working on an aspect in some way, I’m better off than where I began, and that’s all that matters.

This year, I finally did something that intimidated me more than anything ever has so far. It has been my intention to tackle this concern for the last two years. A task so basic, so commonplace, so engrained in first world culture it’s taken for granted, yet has terrified me into panic attacks in the early days of trying to get over it.

I finally learned how to drive, and got my G2 license (nearly a full unrestricted license for those outside of Ontario, Canada).

Driving school was a necessity. The in-class portion was made up of students eight, ten, even twelve years younger than myself. Being a part in that definitely showed me I’ve been earning the expanding grey patch in my hair.

My in-car sessions began in early November, which made me extra nervous because it snows here that time of year. But the driver was wonderful and helped comfort my nerves. The snow held off until the second week of December, which was the week my last couple sessions were, so I got a touch of practice in with basic snowy conditions. It was also the same week my provincial drive test was scheduled—the day snow squalls happened to be in the forecast. I drove the snowy backway to a nearby city where the test was, an unfamiliar driving spot for sure, but I drove just fine.

The driving test examiner wasn’t a warm personality, which gets my nerves up considerably in any situation. I was extra cautious on the roads, too cautious, and I struggled backing in to park. It was barely a pass and it felt quite anti-climactic after how nervous I was about being behind the wheel and having such a positive driving school experience that helped me get over it considerably. Jessy teased me about my negative outlook and crying as I came back inside to update and pay for my license. At the time, I was just glad I remained calm enough in public not to cause a scene, and didn’t have to be the one to drive home. It took a couple days of moping to see that for just over a months worth of driving experience, terrible nerves, an unfamiliar area and far less-than-ideal driving conditions, I did alright.

Anxiety has always been a huge part of what makes me who I am, though it wasn’t always realized. It continuously shapes me, and that doesn’t seem like it’ll ever change. Instead, what’s important and what’s essential for a happy moment on this planet will be compromised, but only if I allow it to be. My own mental notes for evolution in the year(s) to come has made positive things like being able to face my fear of driving happen, and while it’s never easy and often very uncomfortable to deal with the emotional side effects that can result from failure or slow progress, it’s also important to me that I don’t let anxiety (and whatever is being affected by it) get too out of control, like I have already in the past. I’m still trying to find a proper grip on it and recover enough to live a more typical and social life (if that is even possible), but it’ll take time.

This year, a new and better job or at least a second job that works around my current one is what I’d really like to see happen. In Ontario, minimum wage increases dramatically to $14/hour beginning in January, and to $15/hour the following January, which affects me and my co-workers. The last near five years of my 20’s have been put into the same dead-end job I don’t enjoy that while is steady enough to help pay rent, has also wasted much time away that could have been spent reveling in something elsewhere that hasn’t been found and earned yet. The minimum wage increase has led to a cut in hours, but the workload remains the same… naturally. I can’t really blame my place of work for feeling like they need to make cuts, it just happens to come at the same time of year when everyone else keeps talking about how they received bonuses or gifts or prepaid cards or even just praise from their bosses or place of employment, reinforcing the perception of it being a crap job alongside all the other nonsense that has gone on. The store’s customers considered us in some way, at least. I know I shouldn’t complain, that’s how it is these days, and small local businesses are costly to keep going. My boss did come up to me the week after we got the news about shift changes and let me know that I had gotten a raise for the last two weeks before the wage increase comes into effect. He mentioned meaning to do it months earlier but kept forgetting. The short-term 50 cent bump almost feels like a slap in the face. Enjoy your pension!

There are other plans for 2018, but finding a more enjoyable work environment feels the most important now that driving will open more opportunities. I still intend on broadening my horizons regarding the body piercing industry and seeing if I can fit in anywhere, but it’ll require socializing/reaching out, travel, time, and of course money, the bane of it all with a shitty job. This summer I hope to attend Fakir’s basic piercing course in San Francisco, which means I’ll have to back down from going to Vegas a third year in a row for the Association of Professional Piercers conference due to financial limitations (Fakir’s course is already financially difficult but I’ll consider it an investment). Without being an apprentice or a member piercer I’m pretty much at the limit of what I can experience in Vegas class-wise anyway. I’ll be back though.

It’s difficult to ignore all of the mental health hubbub in media these days, and my own social media feeds are full of it. I tend to feel like a fraud because of what I haven’t experienced in comparison to others, and I have such a tendency to blanket my emotions and tribulations, trying to brush them off with smiles so often that I don’t think people even know me at all… not that much room is ever given to allow people to see in for very long. There are many unique, share-worthy stories and events that have shaped me, and one day, I will open up a little more. I promise.

2018 isn’t a new year, new me. As much as I can hate being me at times, I’m still the same person deep down, regardless of how much time and effort is put in to grooming my social skills or ability to empathize or trying to conquer tasks that seem normal to everyone else but myself. And I feel like I’ve finally accepted that’s a part of me, but that doesn’t mean it is an excuse to fall back on when things don’t go as planned and to give up instead of trying when it gets tough. You’re just going to let an illness control you and your life with that tolerant approach.

Growing old never used to be a concern of mine. Most see it to be a lucky, awesome part of human life. I think I viewed it as skin-deep, focusing mainly on the outward physical revisions that were to come, and that didn’t bother me much, so it didn’t seem like a big deal. There were so many other important considerations that a younger me glazed over, and with 30 just starting to peek around the corner, it’s hard to overlook the fact that vital details in my life are still missing. What makes me happy has changed a lot, and many long-standing interests and hobbies have found the exit. While positive emotional and social tweaks have made an appearance in my personality, other essential gaps that have needed filling since well before my mid-twenties just appear to keep growing. And I know it comes down on me, I’m supposed to be the one in control now. But every new candle on the cake is a reminder—as is every new year—that we’re always losing time to find our proper fit; where we belong. Life will and always does change. It is necessary, and we all need to figure out how to be open and flexible to it, yet still retain enough control over it in order to survive and make it all work out in the end.