A decade older

Hey Internet, it’s been a while. It’s safe to say that existence is not quite the same since the last time we spoke.

Our relationship began when I was a young, insecure teen who didn’t fit in. You provided me the means to share my journey and meet others who shared similar interests – however extreme. I became a familiar face on the sidelines of the modification industry with your help, and in return I became addicted to you, only realizing much later how toxic you truly were.

Ten years back in 2011, I posted a photo of a persona that was soon coming to an end. Something that felt required to get on with life, though it created a gap inside me.

A few years ago, I tried stepping back into the world after working on becoming a better me, trying to get over anxieties and learning to cope and function like a normal adult out in the wild. I still wasn’t very good at it. I even stayed in my hotel room alone outside of classes and expo the second time I went to the APP conference in 2017. This was also around the same time I travelled to the darkest of places, and remained there until recently.

Life is hard. I don’t think I need to convince most of you on that statement. Being a recluse for a lot of my life was causing me to suffer, and I just couldn’t reach out in the way I knew I needed to in order to grow. As COVID was just beginning to pop into the news in early 2020, I had just started getting better and building a new life, and was feeling hopeful again. I finally tackled my driving anxiety (mostly) and got my full license. I cut out toxic individuals despite the controversy of their relationships to me. My partner and I bought our first home, and I got out of the job I hated after working there for nearly a decade and feeling stuck in the life I was leading. I managed to get into a local bike shop as a sales person, and it turns out I’m not that bad at it, and I get to work with bike stuff which has been a growing interest of mine over the last 6 years (especially mountain biking). 

The pandemic – while it’s been quite unrelenting here in Ontario, Canada – hasn’t affected me as much as others, likely because of my lifestyle as a recluse. I’m well-trained in not socializing. I’ve got hobbies that I can do alone or happen to share with my partner. There’s also the existence and modern convenience of ordering most things online, which has only become easier. The only thing that somewhat affected me was the massive increase in bicycle demand due to the pandemic limiting people’s access to fitness and travel – an aspect that has been very different to the body art industry that I still think of on a near-daily basis.

Being and feeling lost makes up the majority of the inner perspective on myself, and I don’t know if I’ll ever know where my place is. But life has gotten better. I’ve become more involved with the cycling community in a few ways, and I’ve had the opportunity to volunteer my time maintaining and building trails this past summer which is something I always wanted to get into.

It’s safe to say at this point in life my social habits are just a part of who I am, as much as I don’t like it. This means you probably still won’t see or hear much from me, but know that for the first time in years I’m finally starting to feel better. And I still do peep some of the internet… mildly. My relationship with social media is indeed troubled and I remain reluctant to share anything about my life online. Maybe one day I’ll open up again.

Enjoy some of my bike porn and cat videos in the meantime.